Periods. An unspoken law where women are allowed to binge eat chocolate, lay in bed all day and watch Nicholas Sparks movies for an entire week.
To men, periods are the end of a sentence.
But, have we ever truly questioned how men may react to periods? What their solutions may be? Would periods all of a sudden become a desired beginning of adulthood? Would there be gifts, parties and dinners marking the day? Would sanitary supplies finally be federally funded and free? But would men still purchase high-end supplies like John Wayne Maxi Pads? Clint Eastwood MANpons?
All we know is that the world would be a much different place if men had periods.
So, since I live with two guys, I took it into my own hands to get some answers.
To start, they were much more excited than I expected them to be.
We are going to learn so much tonight! We are going to learn!
This will be nuts. Wait, or this will be eggs.
How long do periods last?
One week… or wait, I want to say a week but just based on how you’re asking this question, it must last longer than a week. Is it year round? Do we know nothing?
On average, how much chocolate would you consume during a typical cycle?
Okay, we must be logical about this. We are imagining the period lasting a week long and averaging the average female who loves chocolate. So… I’m thinking at least three candy bars a day. In reality I wish I could calculate the weight of a candy bar, times it by three bars a day and have an answer. But for now I will stick with three candy bars a day, which means I would eat at least 15 snickers during my period (probably more).
You also have to keep in mind that your younger females like lighter chocolate but when they get older they like darker chocolate and that would have a different outcome.
Please describe to me what a household of men on the same cycle would look like.
A broken home. A lot of black eyes and broken Xbox controllers. Regretful comments and ended friendships. Dirty dishes and laundry. Excessive working out and crying.
We would all have to break up, we couldn’t live together. Instead, we would hang out with more girls that week so we can shop, gossip and bitch, yes nonstop bitching.
Leg, like a Charlie horse. One time after a football game, I had a Charlie horse there and fell to the ground screaming… I can’t imagine having those daily for long periods of time.
Girls need to consume more potassium.
How would you cope with menstrual cramps?
Painkillers. Medical marijuana. Stretching partners. And booze. Lots and lots of booze.
What do you think these types of cramps feel like?
It’s like each of your nails being taken off, throughout the day, for five days straight.
How do tampons work?
What do you mean? They work magically. They go up inside you and then you have an ejection string. Straight magic.
Like most things in the guy world, how would periods become a competition?
We would compare our periods to each other:
“Hey, I lasted 28 days of that shit and you only lasted 7?”
“My cycle is better than yours.”
“Oh, you take birth control? You control your cycles? I’m better than you. I remember when I was 14.”
Binge eating is a thing, what would be your go-to food?
Cinnabon – it’s like crack, you can get high just by smelling it.
Or eggs. I would eat an egg for each of my eggs.
If you could pick one song to describe your cycle, what would it be?
“I’m a bitch. I’m a lover.” – Alanis Morissette
“Get Back.” – Ludacris
Huge shout out to my boyfriend, Derek, and roommate, Sam, for being more than willing to put on a skirt, play with tampons and talk about periods. But in the end, I am glad you two don’t get your periods.