56 Things I’d Rather Do Than Go Shopping On Black Friday

Confession: I used to be a Black Friday shopper. Gasp.

I’m talking die-hard, wake up at 5 am, stand in line outside of Target in subzero weather kind of shopper. And you know, I never walked away with anything that great aside from maybe a 70% off J. Crew sweater I probably wouldn’t have even wanted in the first place.

I guess I used to enjoy the excitement and the sport of it all, but that was before stores started opening their doors at 6 pm on Thanksgiving night before some people have even opened their cans of cranberry sauce.

I’m a big fan of Thanksgiving, so needless to say I’m not a fan of the consumerism taking over a holiday near and dear to many of our hearts. Especially when that means employees of retail businesses have to spend their holidays sorting through bargain bins and restocking shelves of (not-that-on-sale) flat screen TVs.

So this year, I’m boycotting Black Friday and in honor of that have created a list of things I’d rather do than push people out of the way for a cashmere sweater.

  1. Get a root canal. And for the record I’ve already had a root canal so I know the pain I’m subjecting myself to.
  2. Listen to Lincoln Park for 24 hours straight.
  3. Read a car manual.
  4. Laundry. I’m talking like 2 months of dirty laundry.
  5. Get a speeding ticket for driving under the speed limit.
  6. Text using T-9.
  7. Give up coffee. Eh… may have to revisit this one.
  8. Crack my iPhone screen.
  9. Call all my exes to ask for “closure.”
  10. Purposefully put runs in all my tights.
  11. Watch the spinning beach ball on my laptop for an hour straight.

beach ball

12. Run a marathon without training – or a sports bra.

13. Sit in traffic.

14. Go through airport security with a pocketful of scissors.

15. Drink a skunked beer.

16. Bite into a ball of aluminum foil. Did anyone else just cringe?

17. Stand in line at an amusement park.

18. Go on Splash Mountain at Disney World first thing in the morning and then walk around with wet denim shorts the rest of the day.

19. Get a mosquito bite on the bottom of my foot.

20. Rip off a hang nail.

21. Wear bowling shoes without socks.

22. Sip a water bottle that’s full of vodka thinking it’s just water… when I’m hungover.

23. Be hungover.

24. Order a pepperoni pizza and they deliver cheese.

25. Listen to a car alarm go off while trying to sleep.

26. Find a mystery hair in my latte.

27. Clean out my shower drain.

28. Give a stranger a Wet Willy.

29. Get a Wet Willy from a stranger.

30. Get pulled up on stage during a magic show.

31. Miss a patch of leg hair when shaving.

32. Hang out at the DMV all day.

33. Drink a glass of orange juice after brushing my teeth.

34. Watch From Justin to Kelly. 

35. Chop a bagful of onions.

36. Drink a hamburger smoothie.

37. Get my hair cut like Guy Fieri.

38. Go back to 7th grade.

39. Get braces again.

40. Eat a spoonful of mayo.

41. Explain to a classroom of 3rd graders where babies come from.

42. Sit through really bad improv theatre.

43. Lock myself out of my apartment.

44. Get a Rudolph-style pimple right on the tip of my nose before a hot date.

45. Get stood up by said hot date.

46. Read through old high school classmates’ politically incorrect Facebook rants…and comment on them.

47. Make out with Carrot Top.

carrot top

Yep, now I’m going to have nightmares.

48. Lick a subway pole.

49. Spend the whole day watching local auto dealership commercials.

50. Open up a box of Cheezits and find out it’s empty.

51. Get a paper cut on my tongue.

52. Miss Taco Bell breakfast by 1 minute.

53. Jury duty.

54. Get weighed at the doctor’s office. Old school scales add ten pounds, right?

55. Wake up with a mystery rash on my face.

56. Shop any other day of the year, because holidays should be spent with friends and family. Not in line outside of a Best Buy.

Featured Image via Anna Schultz

Molly Longest

Co-founder, Creative Director Her heart belongs to: leather jackets, live music, Moscow Mules and getting that perfect picture Her guilty pleasures: frequenting the taco truck down the street a minimum of two times a week and talking to strangers' dogs in Central Park

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